Here's an incredible lesson from one of the world's greatest negotiators and mediators, Jan Eliasson, who is currently the U.N. Special Envoy in Darfur and former president of the U.N. General Assembly. In the midst of debilitating conflict between Iran and Iraq, in which almost a million people died, he was expecting the two countries to return to their original borders. Instead, "they made reference not to international law, but to the Koran," Eliasson said. Their first interpretation insisted "that if a man breaks into his neighbor's house he is to be punished." They compared the war to this situation, and wanted the soldiers to get twenty lashes and the officers to get forty. But rather than argue the point, we had an expert on our team who spent the night looking up various other possible references in the Koran. By the following morning he returned exhausted but happy.
He found a reference that said if the enemy turns his back at you in retreat, you should not attack him. "This was exactly the situation we had in mind, and when we read that out the following morning, the whole atmosphere changed. It went from skepticism, to smiles around the table, to picking up their pocket Korans and nodding," Eliasson recalls.

The solution they reached saved hundreds of thousands of lives and stitched back communities that had been torn apart. This is a very key takeaway that we need to consider in our negotiations both in business and in life.

You Can't Just Start Over

When people have been in conflict, they don't just want to go back to the way things were prior to the conflict. In order for trust to be established, you must clearly express that you understand them on a very deep level and you must demonstrate respect for their view of the world. What are the traditions in their life that drive their value system? Which beliefs are they really passionate about? As is evident from Jan Eliasson's story, the results of this kind of conflict resolution can last a lifetime: "I remember one of those revolutionaries embracing me to such a degree that I can still feel his beard on my chin."

You can watch the video version of my interview with Jan Eliasson on YouTube.